It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I am one with the molecules
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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