You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
