how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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