My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I did not marry a roomba.
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