Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
