The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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