Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
