Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
