The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
