I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
kristin has been a bad kristin
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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