There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
