bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i will never coherently bang her
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
