Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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