The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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