I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
