I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
