Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
