I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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