The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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