Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
