Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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