All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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