i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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