I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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