I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
