I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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