Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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