Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
