I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
