Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
