i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
