Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
