If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
