im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
