i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
