My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
