Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
