I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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