I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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