Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
