Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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