Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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