dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
