I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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