There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
