Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
