True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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