I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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