I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
