I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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