i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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